i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
