Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
