i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
