There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
