I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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