I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
