So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
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