So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
