An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Randomize
