getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
