Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I faked an abortion last night.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
