We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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