just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Boobs are out for the taking
Randomize
