My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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