Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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