I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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