I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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