we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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