She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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