i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
