if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
