im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Randomize
