dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
