My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
