Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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