as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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