I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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