I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
