I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
