i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
