I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
