This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
