so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
