I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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