Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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