Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
