I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
