i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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