i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
