There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
