Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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