wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
