I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
