Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Two words: blizzard sex
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
