I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Shame is for Republicans.
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