3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
