I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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