Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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