FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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