Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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