apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Randomize
