WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
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